Ah, yes. Whether you’re in a relationship or not, Valentine’s Day blows in with the force of Christmas and the expectation of Thanksgiving dinner. Enjoy!
The following observations took place over the course of a very busy day.
Morning You don’t really know yourself until you drink a liter of Stumptown and beat an egg. [Neighbors should be calling the cops by now.]
Afternoon My seventeen-year-old microwave has lasted five times longer than my MacBook or iPhone.
Evening I read an article that said a pentobarbital manufacturer is adamant in its opposition to Florida using it for executions since it may cause suffering. Then I thought: Why would Adam Ant care?
The last time I wrote you a letter, you ignored me. Why was a swimming pool full of plastic balls out of the question? It was only a little bigger than Chuck E. Cheese’s. I guess I should have just asked for a Blondie concert in our backyard. Anyway, I thought I would try again, this time with an adult list of commands. See to it, or I will tell everyone that you’re a fraud. They will believe me because they know that I know things.
- the power to make me follow through on my threats
a magic red pencil that always has a sharp pointa red pen
- a part-time job naming babies, pets, drugs, and nail polish—I can freelance
Sincerely and all that,